Greg

I need to smoke a bowlski
 
i am so stressed out right now , things never seem to go the way i need . I had alot of problems with trust in my life , not so much anymore cause i really dont trust anyone anymore , before i would throw my heart out there and get stomped on but now you cant have your heart broke if you dont put it out there. I guess thats rather sad to say , but atleast it keeps me sain . College is weird , i am older then most of my classmates and they kinda ask my help on everything even when i dont know it myself. Now that i mention it i really dont know much about much anymore , i thought i did . I am alone alot of the time , i mean i dont have to be or anything i just seem to choose it , or prefer it . i dont know what to say or how to feel all i know is nothing is working out for me , i have this disposition on people and i really think i will be better off alone then to hook up with anyone . i have this problem about caring , in fact the only thing i really care about is the fact i cant care about anything , thats just sad.

i use to feel like i had a place in life , i use to have big dreams , now the only dream i have is to forget , the only place i have in life is to not belong.

Current Location: school
Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: disturbed stricken

sup all you haters out there its me.
scandalistically me .
1 1/2 years left
things gonna be fun
wait n see
he hehe hehehe

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: kittie : what i allways wanted

All the things they said , never held any value in my head, i hated you all to no end , i never really had a friend , look at this and get a clue ,alone now and allways forever blue
last chance for help, last chance to care i asked for a friend , all you did was stare.
Knowing me isnt all you think , what i am what i was beyond the brink. i took it more over the top, you tried to run with it and made a flop. never could you fill my shoes, all your shots hurt me , never left a bruise. you think i am here just for you, i am the nazi and you are the jew, you mean nothing here and now , go cluck like a chicken , yo girl can show you how. wasted all my time thinkin bout your thoughts of me , when i should have been on a jackin spree. I showed you just how to live , all you did was drool and slobber lick a siv.
prolly dont know who this is to, sometimes i dont even know what i might do , 4 years of lies 2 of pain ,the kind that kinda leaves a stain. to know what she did , to feel it each day , oh did i mention her brother was a fucken gay?
Jackin my family and my friends , just to come up with some odds and ends, aint like it was all fully of juice
You should all watch your back cause slightlys back and on the loose. Keep payin dat piper and all of dem bills, yo girls bucknaked and im taken those stills . you thought i would just go away , put me in my place and hoped id stay . but you couldnt have been more wrong, and i was never all up in beezys thong. got played like a punk , just like he deserved, what did you think that just would swirve?i never let up i allways go full swing come at me once more and yo head will ring. i am back in the show and for no good, i said i was gone , but i never left da hood. loded once more and for all the right reasons, ill run you all down no matter what season .


thats all i have to say for this day . i told you i didnt want to be a part of yo shit , and i cut myself out of it , but some people go running they mouths off a lil to much and here i go tellin it like it is all over again , just like i allways did.



2 mo years

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: slipknot

I am fucken done with this lame ass shit. all this is is bullshit.

Maria : if your back with bill like i seen , dont consider yourself my friend. if i wasted my best friend for nothing , then you played me as a person . i stood up for you and when i come arround kess then 2 weeks later i see you at his pad . i dont care bout your personal life , but when i stabbed him in the back , it was because you started prying at me all the time , and i began to feel sorry for lying to you .you then started telling me how much you hated him too.
how you planned pin him at my pad.



this is my last entry i wont be comming here no more . dont think of finding me either , i was kicked out on my ass from my parents house and i now live on my own. I would just like to finally say


Alica : mindfucker
marya : confused lil girl
bill: i dont even know what to call you

FUCK OFF all YA all

ps eat me

Yesterday was bad

if i could redo it , it would still be the same but i didnt want this to happen. i was tired of being forced to lie for 2 years , i had to watch one of my best friends destroy my other friend. i couldnt take it anymore . i did what i had to do , i did the right thing , but i still feel awful about the aftermath.

i destroyed something that meant so much to me , i led him in to a blind side attack allthough he knew somethign was up he never thought in a million years i would be setting him up. Over the years i stopped being seen as a friend in his eyes , and was seen more or less as getaway , he would only come arround here when he needed somthing , or to get something off his chest . as long as the weed was arround and there was no chance of me telling anything about what he was really like he would be my friend , but if i said anything you get what we had here yesterday .

I hate myself for yesterday
i hate the way i had to go about it
and now i hate bill

as he said to me yesterday
YOUR DEAD TO ME


to think when we where kids i idolized you , i loved you like my brother , i took you in and fed you thousends of times and you me , and you decided to push the issue in my home , all you had to do was man up and take your cuts , not abuse a female and step to a real man. i know some time you will read this bill , i hope its soon , although i didnt want you to go to jail , you earned it . And if you ever touch a female in that manner again the same thing will happen . in my eyes your your fathers clone. if you ever come to me with any money issues i got your answers right here:

1 all the pot balances out to when you where not working and i was paying for all of it

2 the movies and food , i paid for about the same as you over the whole time

3 gifts are gifts

4 if anything you owe me for the game card , thats 40 bucks , but i dont want it .

5 if you do find any actual things that i might owe , then deduct the cost of my bedroom window you broke , my chess board you cracked , my lamp that was my grandfathers and my closet door your broke the frame on .

that should be about it .

i spoke to ria again today , she seems to think we will be friends , i know better . you now hate me , and i loath you . i took you in my home countless times and that was how you repay me ? i tried to fix your life and thats how you repay me ?

OBTW i didnt press charges on you either , your fucken lucky there wont be a next time on that you ever touch me again and dont get your head knocked off i will have your ass locked up for it.

and kyle says your no longer welcome here so dont try to come by

Current Music: goodbye pals

Pain , let me tell everyone a lil something about pain , sence few know what it really is .

try knowing someone you love that you have loved sence before you could spell the word , then have the betray you and leave you when you need them most , then how bout the best person you know in the whole world passes on and your left alone , the how bout you run back in to that person give them a second chance and have them do it all over again . now try dealing with a mother thats slowly dying and a stepfather that is more like a warden then a dad , and how bout a real father that treats everything you do as nothing . how bout you go almost your entire life with out knowing what love is , but only tasting it once and haveing it ripped from you before your able to understand what it was you had? now how bout everyone tells you there problems and there secrets and makes you choose who you care about more , who your willing to help mentally fuck , now try sitting with these emotions and be drunk , and on pills , and stoned stupid .

now think about how it is to feel stupid and ugly , think about whats its like to be stared at like some freak , have people point and laugh at you , make fun of you and decide your fate . Think what its like to sleep in the cold on the streets for months when you had nowhere to go , think what its like having to steal your own food , then take taht a step further , imagine watching as people you know have 6 times what you have squander it , think what its like to go day after day after day wishing for your life to end , just so you wont bother anyone elses shit.

now i am sitting here , wondering what i got , wondering if i even fucken matter to anyone really . pain is something everyone takes light . watch the one person you love the most fall apart day by day till they die , spend 60 hours aweek or more by their side and tell me what pain fucken is .

If all i do is cause problems for everyone why is everyone still arround? why am i still arround?

I wish i never existed

then everyone would be happy , i belive that deep within my pathetic black heart.

Current Mood: angry
Current Music: kidney thieves : before i am dead

all i do is cause problems
i am a failure
i just give up

i hate mornings , i dont do mornings.
i was woken up about 8 am i am really sick right now been having belly aches and ect. went to see van hellsing , it was fucken awesome . well what i did manage to see of it. i was made that they never showed dr jeckal and mr hyde in the preveiws . no i am not giving shit away but hey i would have wanted to know bout him he is one of my fav charicters .

i know its hard to be alone , i knew what it was gonna be like before i left crystal , but i still loath this feeling . i wish i had that one true love , that feeling of not being along , having someone to share everything with. thats what i lack, not the physical nature of a relationship just the mental parts of it . i am a person of habit, and in that i cant do my normal day to day plans . i am however dealing with it . i hate to say this but i actually miss her sometimes . she was a bitch , but hey least she did have some good points.

today i am using my mothers laptop , its far better then mine so this is slightly easyer to do . i cant play eq on this or on mine , but after i get a job i will buy a new pc or have my old one upgraded .

lastly i have astupid question

when A faggat farts or shits is it considered getting off?


well, check yas laters

i went to my fathers house , and it just didnt work out.he treated me like dirt and i dont have to take that shit from anyone , me and crystal are done for good , so yeah i am back to me.

i dont know what to think or feel , i just want my friends now more then ever. last night bill chilled with me on my first night home it ruled. Ria if your on hit me up sometime . alicia i would like to talk to you some time , i wish you would call me , maybe i said something wrong , or maybe i dunno . i like you alot and want to be friends but if that is too much for you to handle hey , where i am at right now aint killing me so . WELL...i dont know what to say really , i just mainly wanted everyone to know i am back and normal again .

well i guess i will head out for now , might see van hellsing tonight with beezy, lates

i leave tuesday instead of friday , looks like this is my goodbye session ,

lates , ill let you know when i get there

A few things changed , somethings stayed the same , what else can i say . Been looking for a job , sence i got my new car comming , i need to be able to dump like 2k in on it to make it worthy . Been so caught up in crap i havent had much time to work on the key issues in my life, i came back here for only 2 reasons , and your only gonna know about 1 , i need a place to stay grounded. Tomarrow i will wake up about 8 am and head out looking for a job , anything will do for now , but soon i will need a high end job .


i hope i can get one , just to bring in the cashflow . get back to me .


hopefully eq will end up working for me , peace mothafuckers

Current Music: rob zombie : scum of the earth

this will be my last entry , i have lost something over the past year . i simply feel nothing anymore for anything. i thought over these thoughts inside my head for a long time . this is the only choice i have now. i am done trying to make friends , or even keeping them , if they are there then they are there if not fuck em . why should i bother with people taht are cool to my face and shit talk behind my back ? i got ears , and i ave heard alot of shit. All i have to say is you know where i be so grow some balls.

the fools i dont see before i bounce to vegas , lates i might not come back . i just know i need to do some serious work . and when i do get back if i do get back some heads are gonna roll , there all on my list and i am fixin to run through each and every last one of em.


lastly i would like to thnk all the peeps that have been here for me. and i thank the ones thathavent , you made me what i am , and you will have to deal with what you caused .


BLE DAT niggas

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: the way i am , eminem

SOOOooo tired right now , Went fishing with bill today , didnt catch shit all day , but we had a good time.i feel like such an alcholic started drinking at 10 am today and stope a lil before 2 . but i didnt get druk or anything . i lsta bad ass jig lure today , i feel so bad , but bill said it was cool so .

called alicia , but i guess she was busy , its all good , maybe some other time ?

just settled down to play some eq , but it wont work so , repatch time oh joy


lates

It seems to me in the past 3 weeks everyone i met or spoke to either dissclaimed their faith , or has abolished it alltogether.I read maria's journal and it just has me thinking so much about this subject . God is only a thing for people who either one need something to belive in because there life is incompleat for some reason, or out of fear of not understanding and the whole going to hell thing.I ditest any diety that owns up to the fact "if you dont belive in us , you will suffer in the flames of torment". That is the biggest line of bullshit i have ever heard.

Another thing that sticks in my mind is the fact that people say they hear god voice compelling them to do right. Hmmm dont people get locked away for hearing voices telling them to do things? just because one person thinks they are speaking to a chimp vs a person thinking god is telling them something who has the right to say either one is correct or wrong?

The people that sit and read the bible day in an day out , trying to find some hidden messege in the texts (a book written thousends of years ago , and altered through time , not even written by god himself , but by his "friends").I have a question have you ever told a secret to someone then they tell it and it goes on and on and on next thing you know its 90 % bullshit ? i belivethats the bible in a whole.

What i belive , and this is 100% my thoughts , there is no god , there is no devil, there is no pearl palace in the sky , there is no pit of flames called hell, all there is , is this . when we dye thats it game over , no reset, no do overs .


why pray to something you cant see with your eyes ?

why pray to someone you cant speak with?

why pray to something that never listens ?

why pray at all for anything ?


And the whole lifes too short thing , lifes not short , its long for all the asswholes and short for the good people.

shamen is out this mother fucker

respect

Plans

tomarrow i will be heading to the gym , i been so selfaware and i hate the way i look ,so what better place then the gym to help my mind. As of this week i smoke pot no more . It just seems like its the same sit different day plus i feel stupid when i smoke the shit.

I been alking to everyone bout how unhappy i been , and everyone is right , i need to think about me right now . i need to get a job again . Something decent and not back breaking .

I am in night school now to get my diploma and its hard as hell , i have a book due at 8 pm and i havent even started it . But no fear i have energy puills and red bull!!!!

Alicia you shouldnt be thanking me , i was just saying the truth . i should be teh one to thank you , tonight when i read what you had to say , it made sence to me . your a wonderful friend to have . I look forward to goin to lunch with you . I will try to call later this week .If you ever need anything , never be afraid to call , nothing is more important to me then helping my friends so call me sometime.I will do the same.

Well after the gym its job hunting i ago . wish me luck .


thanks for being here for me .

greg

I got mad tonight , so mad i was ready to bust out the oldest friendship i have ever had. Cut to pieces the reasons i care for him . I have asked my self some questions tonight and they are


Why does bill not belive me when i say i havent been smoking?

Why did bill go behind my back to get my hook ups number and cut me out?

Why did bill have to tell me himself?

What did i do wrong to deserve this?

was i not there enough?


I came up with answers to this talking with crystal and my mother the 2 people that keep my head straight when i belive everyone is fucked in the head.

The reason bill claimed i smoked and he saw me was because he cant afford to give me the 100 bucks he said he would . I know he didnt see me smoke cause i havent smoked sence that night.I know he has money troubles but heck , there was no need to make me feel like he never trusted me at all.

The reason he cut me out of teh loop getting sacks , that was because he wants the perks i have , he wants to know how the game is run , to get himself a better deal . Little did he know the only reason i got his sacks was to ensure he didnt get ripped off and to make sure he didnt getlaced shit off teh street , and thats because i loved him .

The reason he told me he got the number and cut me out , was to try to make nice after he knowingly (for lack of better words) fucked me like a bitch.I only say it like that for teh simple reason he knows how things go , if he wanted the number he should have sucked it up and asked me himself not go through my friends to get it without me knowing. I belive the only reason he told me was he was affraid i would find out teh hard way and we wouldnt be friends anymore.

what i did wrong was ever begining to hook up bags for anyone i knew this day would come .

And lastly i was there enough , i helped mend alot of wounds in his heart , i helped him realize his main dreams , i help him realize that he might actually lose the one he loves if he didnt stop and consider her more hen himself.I was there from the first day i met him , and up till tonight .

after answering the questions , i came to realize a few more things . Bill has done alot of good in my life , helped when my grandfather died , helped make me feel like part of the crowd. But after tonight I am not so sure of his intentions anymore he told m at the end of teh night he got teh number to stop teh burden on me and to make it easyer on him to get sacks when i am gone.I kinda undrstand teh aspect of it , but dam why be so underhanded?

Ria , i understand you Make up your own mind on things , but i dont want your money for me quiting smoking , Bill doesnt belive me , neither should you . I never smoked after that nigth not one drag from a cig. I dont know why he had to make up seeing me smoke ? but you know what it doesnt bather me as much as it did when he first said it, and said its not about the money . Well you know what i was kind of dependent apon getting that , i took his word as truth , but if this is how he wants to handle things fine.

I am ending a few things tonight , If bill doesnt make what he did tonigth right he will be ended as a friend to me , and i am not fucken arround this time , when i say this i have thought about it full mindedly , not harshly or hasted. i put alot of time into this . He has a few days , after that bill will be dead to me .

Ria i am not saying i am not your friend , your cool .You have been a true friend and have never doubted me .

Alicia you are the single most stunning woman i have ever seen . You are smart, funny , and extreamly atractive.I honestly know someone that looks like you would never beeen seen chillin with someone like me . You have allways tired to be my friend , and i respect you . i wish i had more time , it seems to be a rare thing these days . The first time we all chilled , i mean Ria bill you and i , that was teh first time in my life i felt alive. to think the 2 hottest girls i have ever seen actually talking to me , and paying atention to what i say without making fun of me when i walked away. The truth is i woudl have called you to chill with you , but i couldn't . each time i tried to pick up the phone to dial your number i lost my words , the first time i have ever froze up wanting to talk to a friend. I hope i never wrote anything to make you think ill of me .I enjoy reading your journal , and whne i do post on your Lj or mine about you i think for hours on just what to say .I know you will get the life you and your daughter deserve. I only wish crystal was a fifth of the woman you are .

please dont read this and take it the wrong way , i would never dream of offending you or trying to play games with your head or any non sence .All i was trying to say is your a very wonderful person taht i wish i would have got to have known better.


well i dont think ill be on Lj for a few days , i ight look in on it later , but i doubt ill make a entry for a while.


i have to get my head on straight.

greg

Does anything really matter anymore?

does it?

or did it ever?

the petty feelings i hold inside , i give them back i give it all back the hate , the pain , its all yours . I loath this place i am in , this death amongst the living . I am but a shadow forgotton to time . I am unrelevent now. Everything i held so dear ... for what ? its all non existant now . i am nothing i was nothing and i will be nothing . They like to ignore me as is why fight it , they will never know anything other then ignorance .I rememebr what it was like to feel warmth apon my heart , i remember what it is like to experience  the excitement of the unknown . But tnothing seems to catch my attentions . In a matter of speaking its come to an end.

Love ,hate , pain , health , sin , honor , life , death , up , down

Its all the same

just like everyone , they are all the same , except me , Nobody knows what its like to live me, but  everyone will understand what happens to something like me when i feel nothing .I am tird of looking into the eyes of the heartless

Once apon a time

the time has ended for feelings

And that time is now

Current Mood: thoughtless
Current Music: The brood

you know , i have had my ass kicked before , but i still say nothing tastes sweeter then my own blood. The smooth metallic taste of it. i felt the first 3 shots but after that i dont remember how many more i took , but i noticed crystal scratching at the guys face , i got up as he fell over and i just started kicking him and slamming my knee into him. i felt everything in me just pop, and i started kicking and kicking .
I dont know if i won or not, all i know is atleast i walked away .

My face is scraped up , my jaw is killing me , i lost 2 teeth in the back on the left side . And he left me witha bloody nose, that is the first time i have ever been disorented in a figth the first shot came in and i just lost my edge.

The funny thing is , he slammed into me when i was walking in the mall , all i said was what the fuck .i decided to leave and he came up behind me on the ramp going to the parking lot .

If it haddent been fo crystal i would have definatly had my ass rocked , but me and him both are kind fucked up i belive i got the worst looking out of in , i dont know where i kicked him at all i know is my foot is fuce killing me.

now that i think about it , Where the fuck was the rent-o-pigs when you need em? if i dont need em i have like 4 up my ass .

poke smot!!!!

poke smot


takes me stoned occifer i am home , just hold my blunt wile we find our druvers licsends.My mathere please no call dey be pisser. I pleade the fif.

Current Music: limp bizkit : nobody like you

been reading everyones journals , just to stay connected . But with each sentence i feel i know less and less. I am stressed right now , problems seem to pile up on me these days . I really dont know why i started to write , all i know is i feel like my heart is breaking. I cant sleep , everything i eat comes back up . I wish so badly this was a dream, just to be able to wake up and nothing be wrong.

Back in my room its much to real , these four walls , they became my friends this year. I look at them , and this mess , and it looks like i feel a disaster. (maria seen the room 2 days ago so ask her. ) I cant stop feeling like this is all my fault . like i deserve to be in this room , my dungeon , my chamber, my prison cell.

In this room , something happens. I belive it to be haunted , but i know thats impossible we are the first family to ever live here, and no one died in the house. but for some reason this room holds anger . I look at the walls and see rage that has been unleashed , i see points of pain , misery and desperaition . This is where i evolve . When the pain gets so bad in my life i come here, when i am happy i never see the walls.But when i am low , these walls pick me up and make me focus on the objectives.

This entry may make little sence , infact it might not make any , but then again when have any of my entries made sence?

Now that it grows quiet in the house , everything is sleeping , the cats in the kitchen curled up , my parents sleeping soundly . Itall makes me what to slam my face in the wall till there is nothing left . I hate the fact everyone can rest cept me . but to be ready for tomarrow i have to waste my whole today.

Man i could use a cig , but i made this promise see, and i dont go back on my word. So looks like i get to chew some gum instead. Tastes like shit , and doenst stop the craving but hey what else can i do .And its hard not smokeing , there are smokes everywhere. half buts in the ashtrays , even in my room there is a pack kyle bought me , (unopened of course.)i stepped on it a few times i know most are broke so NAH

Crystal....now thats the one that might actually take me over the edge. Nothing i say sinks in to her . its like she only cares on her opinions , fuck mine . I almost called it quits today , i never hurt so bad before. This is someone i love and i ook at her more like a probation officer then a fiannce . She acts like i am all scandalis
about everything. I am tired of yelling at her it makes nothing any easyer , talking does nothing .so i am not left with many choices . today she said she would try to understand me better , but i know thats only gonna last till like tuesday. She has been there for me when i am sick and hurt , she has picked my up bloody , she has seen me at my worst so far , but its like thats to secure her in with me .

I know it sounds crazy , but if i was in her shoes i would latch onto someone like me to pull her out of her hell. And i would do dam near anything to do it . This makes me shutter to think but i would almost swear she is trying to get knocked up to keep me . But it seems i stoped that i called off all "closeness" so that couldnt happen.

that enough about her , dont wanna get to in detail . shit happens i fix it, or atleast try . I just feel so mad right now.

No chance , No chance in hell me making it out of this scrape with out losing myself. This is my fate i deserve this. i deserve to feel all the pain people can throw at me , if not me then who? i belive its all just prepairing me for some fight , some time when i will just be able to cut the last fringe and just go all the way . I feel like i am on the edge of myself , looking down into a chasm of rage , it draws to me pulling from side to side with no reason . it beconds me to jump in . Its that warm embrace , the one i lacked most of my life. Its endless, i see it go on forever.

I belive this is my version of hell. I dont know what to belive about religion . I go to a catholic church , but i dont really belive, i go to make sure i can leave my mark on the children. Maybe i can say the 2 words that i never got to hear. Maybe i can be the ropes for someone flying off the edge.If there is a god , i must be his funnypages in his newspaper of life. I hope he gets a good laugh , i hope he smiles knowing that he created the biggest joke in all of time. The thought of heaven is good , but its a place i know i can never go.

Can you remember your first feelings? how far back can you remember? I look back to think what was my first real thing i can remember. I remember My father holding me telling me i was gonna change teh flow of things i would be the one to end the bullshit in our lives. I must have been a baby , but i still remember the words exactly. That day the hope for me to sucseed went away and the new feelings of hate began to grow like seeds. I feel this fire inside , it burns deep and hot. it fuels me when i am tired , it picks me up when i fall and just when i cant go on anymore it makes it so i can. The only problem is i have finally tapped into it and now i cant stop the feeling i have. i try to restrain my self , but as soon as the door closes here i come full boar into a wall .

its sad to think all i have ever felt or known is hate, for something. people have tried to bring my head away from the flames , and even had me forget it all together, but i cant run from or forget what i am .

This is how they designed me ,this is the condition they left me in .

take a good look at you , dont feel like me ,dont be like me.








Greg

Current Mood: angry
Current Music: godsmack , voodoo