Current mood:	angry
Current music:	godsmack , voodoo

havent wrote in a few
been reading everyones journals , just to stay connected . But with each sentence i feel i know less and less. I am stressed right now , problems seem to pile up on me these days . I really dont know why i started to write , all i know is i feel like my heart is breaking. I cant sleep , everything i eat comes back up . I wish so badly this was a dream, just to be able to wake up and nothing be wrong.

Back in my room its much to real , these four walls , they became my friends this year. I look at them , and this mess , and it looks like i feel a disaster. (maria seen the room 2 days ago so ask her. ) I cant stop feeling like this is all my fault . like i deserve to be in this room , my dungeon , my chamber, my prison cell.

In this room , something happens. I belive it to be haunted , but i know thats impossible we are the first family to ever live here, and no one died in the house. but for some reason this room holds anger . I look at the walls and see rage that has been unleashed , i see points of pain , misery and desperaition . This is where i evolve . When the pain gets so bad in my life i come here, when i am happy i never see the walls.But when i am low , these walls pick me up and make me focus on the objectives.

This entry may make little sence , infact it might not make any , but then again when have any of my entries made sence?

Now that it grows quiet in the house , everything is sleeping , the cats in the kitchen curled up , my parents sleeping soundly . Itall makes me what to slam my face in the wall till there is nothing left . I hate the fact everyone can rest cept me . but to be ready for tomarrow i have to waste my whole today.

Man i could use a cig , but i made this promise see, and i dont go back on my word. So looks like i get to chew some gum instead. Tastes like shit , and doenst stop the craving but hey what else can i do .And its hard not smokeing , there are smokes everywhere. half buts in the ashtrays , even in my room there is a pack kyle bought me , (unopened of course.)i stepped on it a few times i know most are broke so NAH

Crystal....now thats the one that might actually take me over the edge. Nothing i say sinks in to her . its like she only cares on her opinions , fuck mine . I almost called it quits today , i never hurt so bad before. This is someone i love and i ook at her more like a probation officer then a fiannce . She acts like i am all scandalis
about everything. I am tired of yelling at her it makes nothing any easyer , talking does nothing .so i am not left with many choices . today she said she would try to understand me better , but i know thats only gonna last till like tuesday. She has been there for me when i am sick and hurt , she has picked my up bloody , she has seen me at my worst so far , but its like thats to secure her in with me .

I know it sounds crazy , but if i was in her shoes i would latch onto someone like me to pull her out of her hell. And i would do dam near anything to do it . This makes me shutter to think but i would almost swear she is trying to get knocked up to keep me . But it seems i stoped that i called off all "closeness" so that couldnt happen.

that enough about her , dont wanna get to in detail . shit happens i fix it, or atleast try . I just feel so mad right now.

No chance , No chance in hell me making it out of this scrape with out losing myself. This is my fate i deserve this. i deserve to feel all the pain people can throw at me , if not me then who? i belive its all just prepairing me for some fight , some time when i will just be able to cut the last fringe and just go all the way . I feel like i am on the edge of myself , looking down into a chasm of rage , it draws to me pulling from side to side with no reason . it beconds me to jump in . Its that warm embrace , the one i lacked most of my life. Its endless, i see it go on forever.

I belive this is my version of hell. I dont know what to belive about religion . I go to a catholic church , but i dont really belive, i go to make sure i can leave my mark on the children. Maybe i can say the 2 words that i never got to hear. Maybe i can be the ropes for someone flying off the edge.If there is a god , i must be his funnypages in his newspaper of life. I hope he gets a good laugh , i hope he smiles knowing that he created the biggest joke in all of time. The thought of heaven is good , but its a place i know i can never go.

Can you remember your first feelings? how far back can you remember? I look back to think what was my first real thing i can remember. I remember My father holding me telling me i was gonna change teh flow of things i would be the one to end the bullshit in our lives. I must have been a baby , but i still remember the words exactly. That day the hope for me to sucseed went away and the new feelings of hate began to grow like seeds. I feel this fire inside , it burns deep and hot. it fuels me when i am tired , it picks me up when i fall and just when i cant go on anymore it makes it so i can. The only problem is i have finally tapped into it and now i cant stop the feeling i have. i try to restrain my self , but as soon as the door closes here i come full boar into a wall .

its sad to think all i have ever felt or known is hate, for something. people have tried to bring my head away from the flames , and even had me forget it all together, but i cant run from or forget what i am .

This is how they designed me ,this is the condition they left me in .

take a good look at you , dont feel like me ,dont be like me.








Greg